“It’s not living that you’re doing if it feels like dying.”

– Ray Lamontagne –

Thought streaming…. “I wake up each day more tired than the next and I ask myself, when will this stop? I ask myself, why am I doing this to myself, but the voice is thin upon the air and it falls on deaf ears. I think can’t help it. It just hasn’t gotten bad enough.  I say to myself that the moments of the lie that there will be fun in it, there will be moments of fun. I‘m chasing that fun like a heroin addict. It’s the only thing keeping me going, the party, the money, the fun, showing others I’m happy, show others the things I have. Make a joke, make it last. That’s the joke. It’s the high… the highs and lows I’m looking for…

“This is life, there is no choice. I know the truth about myself, the pain I can’t ignore in the middle of the night. What are the niggling voices in my head that don’t leave me along in the deep dark hours of the night. I can’t sleep. Thoughts are incessant, the content changes, but the story stays the same. Am I doing what’s right? What the hell is it all about anyway? I’m so tired. I’m so tired of playing games. I don’t even know how to be myself…

“Those moments of fun I’m fighting for. Those moments of elation, the high of life, I’m yearning for. I’m yearning for it because if I’m still, I can feel the emptiness, I can feel the desolation, I can feel the fear, the insecurity, the pain of not truly living, knowing there is something that’s missing. It’s why I surround myself with others, why I pretend I’m someone I’m not, why I subject myself to doing anything other than love. I believe in the lie… it’s because I don’t know who I am. It’s because I think I know, but I don’t know. The voices in my head are stronger than what I think I know. There is something missing. There is something missing in this life, the voices in my head say. Even when I’m in balance, there is always something causing pain, something causing something, something in my life causing me unhappiness. But I’m not a victim…”

This is who you think you are. This is your head without being in truth…

You are either living your Truth, or you are living the lie. Be honest with yourself… what are you doing out of fear or for someone else?  This is living, but dying. What are you doing out of love, for your Truth. Just observe your actions. Just observe it and don’t you even think about judging yourself for it. Just keep watching. Because one day you’ll wake up and you’ll say…

Enough is Enough.

Your power is in your Honesty… with yourself.

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